Robert's Guide for Butlers and Other Household Staff
My loving niece gave me this wonderful book for the holidays. It pleases me is so many different ways: it was originally published in 1827, they retained what appears to be the original typeface, the instructions and guides within offer a delightful insight into the duties of a domestic just before the turn of the century. Many of the tasks have, of course, fallen into disuse and are only interesting from a historical perspective, but I am surprised at how many remain useful. I suppose good housekeeping has not changed as much as I might have thought.
There are also included a number of interesting recipes that I am dying to try out - spruce beer, ginger beer, a most excellent sounding punch (with dark rum,) and several more.
This book is wonderful for curling up at the end of a long day and imagining, just for a while, that you are in charge of a manor house somewhere outside of New York, and well satisfied with the fruit of your labours.
Monday, December 27, 2010
Depression and housework
Depression makes everything harder. Housekeeping is no different.
Depression makes you not look at the cup in the sink, even after it becomes two cups, a bowl, a colander, and several pieces of Tupperware. Depression causes making the bed to seem pointless, laundry to sit in the dryer unfolded, and cat hair to clump on furniture. Depression can make you wonder why you are putting in the effort at all.
However, even depression leaves a choice. Even through the depression, I washed the dishes. I vacuumed. I am doing the laundry. It's later than I would like, and it's going to have to be done again in the morning, but at least at some point today I will be able to look around and say, "it is finished." Even if I had not finished, doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing. And, since I have a schedule of what needs to be done each day, I'm not overwhelmed by everything. For instance, today I don't have to think about the bathrooms, or the kitchen. All I have to think about is laundry. And if laundry takes five hours rather than two, then at least it is done and won't be hanging over my head tomorrow. I am highly impressed by how much having a cleaning schedule helps me, and I highly recommend it.
I am so thankful for my friends. If it were not for one contacting me today to go to lunch, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get up and do what I have today. Everyone needs something to help them when they are down.
For tonight, it is almost done. I can sleep tonight knowing that my house is once again clean.
Depression makes you not look at the cup in the sink, even after it becomes two cups, a bowl, a colander, and several pieces of Tupperware. Depression causes making the bed to seem pointless, laundry to sit in the dryer unfolded, and cat hair to clump on furniture. Depression can make you wonder why you are putting in the effort at all.
However, even depression leaves a choice. Even through the depression, I washed the dishes. I vacuumed. I am doing the laundry. It's later than I would like, and it's going to have to be done again in the morning, but at least at some point today I will be able to look around and say, "it is finished." Even if I had not finished, doing something, anything, is better than doing nothing. And, since I have a schedule of what needs to be done each day, I'm not overwhelmed by everything. For instance, today I don't have to think about the bathrooms, or the kitchen. All I have to think about is laundry. And if laundry takes five hours rather than two, then at least it is done and won't be hanging over my head tomorrow. I am highly impressed by how much having a cleaning schedule helps me, and I highly recommend it.
I am so thankful for my friends. If it were not for one contacting me today to go to lunch, I'm not sure if I would have been able to get up and do what I have today. Everyone needs something to help them when they are down.
For tonight, it is almost done. I can sleep tonight knowing that my house is once again clean.
Friday, December 24, 2010
Holidays
It's amazing what one day of neglect will do. Or rather how much detail I notice now that I'm looking for it. I can tell that I did not vacuum yesterday. I don't have that feeling of satisfaction from finishing a day's housework. With it being the holidays and all, probably I won't get a chance to do any housework until Monday. Probably...it won't be too hard to get things back in order; really there isn't a whole lot that needs to be done. It just feels like it.
Next week I need to get materials for hand sewing. I've been avoiding it, but almost every casual skirt I own has a tear in it.
Happy holidays to those who celebrate it, and a restful weekend to all.
Next week I need to get materials for hand sewing. I've been avoiding it, but almost every casual skirt I own has a tear in it.
Happy holidays to those who celebrate it, and a restful weekend to all.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Linens and Lives Lived
If you wish to have superior results, you simply cannot work with inferior materials. Today is washing and ironing, and although I am doing things by the book i simply cannot be happy with my results. Part of it is my fault, I did not check the napkins for stains before I washed them, and I did not use distilled water in my iron. So, my napkins have faint but noticeable (to me) grease stains that now will never come out, and my olive tablecloth has hard water marks. Fortunately, I am not working with my good linens right now (and have no intent to until I get this right.)
The linens I have out now are inexpensive cotton ones from Target, which are fine for casual use. That said, now that I am paying more attention to detail I am unhappy with the craftsmanship that went into making them. The seams are not at all even - I think I could sew a better seam (an I am a lousy seamstress.) Ironing them makes the distortion even more obvious (to me.) Granted, once folded no one would ever know, and to be truthful even unfolded most people would neither notice nor care.
I talked more with my mother today, mostly about the comparative benefits of using fitted sheets or flat sheets on a mattress. I think we both decided that flat sheets folded with a hospital corner look very smart on a bed, so I will put some energy into learning this technique.
I also found out that my mother learned domestic service from her grandmother, who ran a boarding house. I'm going to ask her to email me with more information about that time in her life. I never knew my great grandmother; she died the year I was born. I knew only that she had ten children, and that she helped raise my eldest brother while my Father was in the service.
The day is almost half over, and I feel that I've accomplished a lot. Dusting and vacuuming will finish my housework for the day, and I will have plenty of time before I have to start dinner.
The linens I have out now are inexpensive cotton ones from Target, which are fine for casual use. That said, now that I am paying more attention to detail I am unhappy with the craftsmanship that went into making them. The seams are not at all even - I think I could sew a better seam (an I am a lousy seamstress.) Ironing them makes the distortion even more obvious (to me.) Granted, once folded no one would ever know, and to be truthful even unfolded most people would neither notice nor care.
I talked more with my mother today, mostly about the comparative benefits of using fitted sheets or flat sheets on a mattress. I think we both decided that flat sheets folded with a hospital corner look very smart on a bed, so I will put some energy into learning this technique.
I also found out that my mother learned domestic service from her grandmother, who ran a boarding house. I'm going to ask her to email me with more information about that time in her life. I never knew my great grandmother; she died the year I was born. I knew only that she had ten children, and that she helped raise my eldest brother while my Father was in the service.
The day is almost half over, and I feel that I've accomplished a lot. Dusting and vacuuming will finish my housework for the day, and I will have plenty of time before I have to start dinner.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Myrrhianna vs The Baseboards
Learned very valuable things today:
Overall, day two of being domestic was not bad. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean kitchen, and not really difficult to keep it that way all day. Getting an earlier start would have been helpful, especially since I had not finished laundry on Monday, which means cleaning the bathrooms didn't get started until mid afternoon. And since this was the first thorough cleaning of the bathroom, it took longer than it usually would. Hopefully subsequent weeks will be easier, and my chores should be done by noon, rather than 5:30.
Tomorrow I get to do more laundry (towels and linens) which should be a piece of cake, I hope.
- Tasks left unfinished one day can make the next day backbreaking.
- Rags are much better for cleaning flat surfaces than sponges
- Tilting my head forward 90 degrees still gives me a splitting headache
- I cannot defeat the combination of the Arizona dust and the bathroom baseboards. No amount of scrubbing got them clean.
Overall, day two of being domestic was not bad. It was wonderful to wake up to a clean kitchen, and not really difficult to keep it that way all day. Getting an earlier start would have been helpful, especially since I had not finished laundry on Monday, which means cleaning the bathrooms didn't get started until mid afternoon. And since this was the first thorough cleaning of the bathroom, it took longer than it usually would. Hopefully subsequent weeks will be easier, and my chores should be done by noon, rather than 5:30.
Tomorrow I get to do more laundry (towels and linens) which should be a piece of cake, I hope.
Where I try to be Domestic
If I can find one, and the funds, I want to take courses in housekeeping, or maybe the art of being a Butler. Though...most of the decent schools are in England. I can keep things sort of together around the house, but I really lack the grace and organizational skills to run things smoothly. Women have done this for centuries, and yet I find myself floundering.
Possibly it's because as an American I have given up the domestic skills in place of convenience. Maybe that's why I flail when I have to do a casual place setting, or iron table linens properly, or fold napkins. Or do daily cleaning so that the house stays in order. I wish my mother were here to teach me - there are so many basics that I don't seem to have an handle on (how do I keep the baseboards from gathering dust!)
I just got a book on the art and science of keeping house. I'm studying, but it seems like so much to take in. I read the section on table settings today, and need to read it again tomorrow - there is so much I didn't retain. And I'm going to have to do settings over and over, I guess, so that it becomes instinctive. Then I'll go on to how to serve meals. So much to learn....
Tonight was my first trial run serving a dinner properly, and while it didn't go poorly I made several glaring errors...so frustrating. I really need more practice. Maybe part of it is the layout of the common southwest house - the kitchen is open to the rest of the common area, so there is no place where I can do prep-work out of view. That, however, has been a common complaint of mine. The next house I live in will have both a full kitchen and a butler's kitchen, and a actual dining room.
I hope I can get better at this....
Possibly it's because as an American I have given up the domestic skills in place of convenience. Maybe that's why I flail when I have to do a casual place setting, or iron table linens properly, or fold napkins. Or do daily cleaning so that the house stays in order. I wish my mother were here to teach me - there are so many basics that I don't seem to have an handle on (how do I keep the baseboards from gathering dust!)
I just got a book on the art and science of keeping house. I'm studying, but it seems like so much to take in. I read the section on table settings today, and need to read it again tomorrow - there is so much I didn't retain. And I'm going to have to do settings over and over, I guess, so that it becomes instinctive. Then I'll go on to how to serve meals. So much to learn....
Tonight was my first trial run serving a dinner properly, and while it didn't go poorly I made several glaring errors...so frustrating. I really need more practice. Maybe part of it is the layout of the common southwest house - the kitchen is open to the rest of the common area, so there is no place where I can do prep-work out of view. That, however, has been a common complaint of mine. The next house I live in will have both a full kitchen and a butler's kitchen, and a actual dining room.
I hope I can get better at this....
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
I will be clear
I am officially stating that Bishop Thomas J. Olmsted is the reason I cannot be a practicing catholic in Arizona. I cannot accept him as an authority on god's will. May god have mercy on him, for I cannot.
Monday, December 13, 2010
How to Start the Motor?
I can remember a time when writing was a compulsion. I remember carrying paper and pen with me everywhere to be ready to record my thoughts or plot bunnies. I have folders full of short stories, most in various draft forms, but back then it was hard to focus on one story when three others were knocking at the door of my imagination.
It's been months since I've even felt the urge to write, even just to blog. It feels like all of my creativity has been sucked out of me. Maybe I have it too easy right now - my days are so flat, so full of nothing that I cannot seem to muster then energy to put pen to paper. I wonder, what do other people do when they situations like this? I want to create again. I feel so barren, so without purpose, when I'm not producing something.
It's been months since I've even felt the urge to write, even just to blog. It feels like all of my creativity has been sucked out of me. Maybe I have it too easy right now - my days are so flat, so full of nothing that I cannot seem to muster then energy to put pen to paper. I wonder, what do other people do when they situations like this? I want to create again. I feel so barren, so without purpose, when I'm not producing something.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Connection
Sometimes I have to wonder what is my connection to the world. My connection to myself. If I sever my connection to myself, do I lose my connection to the world?
Yes, I've watched too much Suicide Circle. Still, I find it a valid question.
Are you connected?
Yes, I've watched too much Suicide Circle. Still, I find it a valid question.
Are you connected?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Putting On my Big Girl Panties
I've been on disability for over a year now. During that time I've gotten married, made some new friends, put myself in situations where I was terrified and survived, started a part time at-home business, and done a lot of thinking about how I can stabilize myself. I'm taking control of my mental and physical health to the best of my ability.
You see, my goal is to not spend the rest of my life on disability. Not that there is anything wrong about it, just that I feel inside that somehow I can get myself to a place where I can handle responsibility, and I want to be able to contribute to the world around me in some way. Also, disability pays the bills, but only just barely, which limits what I can do in my copious free time.
I look back on my history and realize that I have two paths that I can reasonably follow: administrative support and technical support. Both have pros and cons:
Administrative Support
But my mental issues are a large part of who I am, and until I can overcome them I dare not put myself in a place where I am responsible for anything other than my own work. I will micromanage, I will worry about how things are going on my days off, I will take my personal time to make sure that things are running smoothly. I will drive myself into the ground. As has been demonstrated.
Right now, I'm just looking around at possibilities. Maybe there is something else I can do outside of those two options. Goodness knows I've held some...unusual... jobs in my lifetime. Maybe I can find something unique, something suited to me. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on updating my knowledge of computer networking, high speed telecommunications, and typing (really I'm only doing about 45 wpm right now, which is not good.)
Who knows what the future holds....
You see, my goal is to not spend the rest of my life on disability. Not that there is anything wrong about it, just that I feel inside that somehow I can get myself to a place where I can handle responsibility, and I want to be able to contribute to the world around me in some way. Also, disability pays the bills, but only just barely, which limits what I can do in my copious free time.
I look back on my history and realize that I have two paths that I can reasonably follow: administrative support and technical support. Both have pros and cons:
Administrative Support
- the work is not usually difficult
- my skill set is still relevant and current
- fixed hours, no taking work home with me
- lower per hour compensation
- less variety in tasks
- I tend to take on more work than is reasonable in an attempt to be helpful
- very enjoyable to me
- higher pay rate
- constant ability to expand skill set
- usually shift work/unpredictable schedule
- my skills are out of date and I would need to recertify
- possibility of being called in to cover shifts/work overtime
- possibility of being promoted
But my mental issues are a large part of who I am, and until I can overcome them I dare not put myself in a place where I am responsible for anything other than my own work. I will micromanage, I will worry about how things are going on my days off, I will take my personal time to make sure that things are running smoothly. I will drive myself into the ground. As has been demonstrated.
Right now, I'm just looking around at possibilities. Maybe there is something else I can do outside of those two options. Goodness knows I've held some...unusual... jobs in my lifetime. Maybe I can find something unique, something suited to me. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on updating my knowledge of computer networking, high speed telecommunications, and typing (really I'm only doing about 45 wpm right now, which is not good.)
Who knows what the future holds....
Friday, September 17, 2010
Blathering
I really don't want to, but I'm going to have to pull back into my shell for a while. I just don't think I can handle people or my fear of crowds right now. Too much is going on in my head.
I don't want to isolate, not really. I'm so afraid that if I do that, when I return, it will all be gone. At least, what there is now. I really can't judge if there is anything or not. Problematic.
I hate being emotionally vulnerable. This whole summer I've opened myself to the possibility of being hurt, and granted there have been a few paper cuts, but nothing serious, I think. Right now, though, I feel like I'm made of spun glass. Everything is blurry, uncertain. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know where "here" is. I don't know what I can trust. I know that my own perceptions are untrustworthy.
I really just don't know what to do right now. I need guidance from somewhere. I'm admitting it. I really don't know what I'm doing, or what the right thing to do is. I'm so lost.
This weekend is going to be hell.
I don't want to isolate, not really. I'm so afraid that if I do that, when I return, it will all be gone. At least, what there is now. I really can't judge if there is anything or not. Problematic.
I hate being emotionally vulnerable. This whole summer I've opened myself to the possibility of being hurt, and granted there have been a few paper cuts, but nothing serious, I think. Right now, though, I feel like I'm made of spun glass. Everything is blurry, uncertain. I really don't know where to go from here. I don't know where "here" is. I don't know what I can trust. I know that my own perceptions are untrustworthy.
I really just don't know what to do right now. I need guidance from somewhere. I'm admitting it. I really don't know what I'm doing, or what the right thing to do is. I'm so lost.
This weekend is going to be hell.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
A Stab in the Dark
Tomorrow I start with a new therapist. I know it's necessary if I want to move forward. It's just...I've been through so many therapists over the years and never gotten a significant return on investment. Maybe I wasn't trying enough. Maybe they were not the right ones for me. Maybe I'm looking for someone with the Book of Answers who will tell me what the heck is really wrong with me and exactly how to fix it. Maybe I'm afraid to open up to any of them because more than anything I'm afraid of being hospitalized.
I finally got a copy of Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D. Several of my prior therapists have suggested it to me, and I've even borrowed it from the library, but never read more than a few pages before giving up. The voices that say it's impossible for me to get better took over and I forgot about the book for several years.
I've worked my way through the first two chapters. So far, it seems to be reasonable. It gives some background into the premises of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), nothing that I haven't heard before, but I'm understanding it a bit better reading it than hearing it from someone I don't fully trust. Not that I have any reason to believe this doctor, but the book has been around for ages and is still in use, so there may be something to it.
A list of Cognative distortions reads like a checklist of my life. I do all of these things. I know that I do. And I know that they are distortions. What I don't know is how to stop. It irritates me so much when a therapist says something like, "keep track of your negative thoughts as they happen and think if they fall into one of those categories." It's honestly not like these thoughts are at the front of my mind. It's part of the stream of consciousness that runs in the background all the time. I'm not aware that my thoughts are negative until someone else points them out.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe. I want to get better.
I finally got a copy of Feeling Good by David D. Burns, M.D. Several of my prior therapists have suggested it to me, and I've even borrowed it from the library, but never read more than a few pages before giving up. The voices that say it's impossible for me to get better took over and I forgot about the book for several years.
I've worked my way through the first two chapters. So far, it seems to be reasonable. It gives some background into the premises of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), nothing that I haven't heard before, but I'm understanding it a bit better reading it than hearing it from someone I don't fully trust. Not that I have any reason to believe this doctor, but the book has been around for ages and is still in use, so there may be something to it.
A list of Cognative distortions reads like a checklist of my life. I do all of these things. I know that I do. And I know that they are distortions. What I don't know is how to stop. It irritates me so much when a therapist says something like, "keep track of your negative thoughts as they happen and think if they fall into one of those categories." It's honestly not like these thoughts are at the front of my mind. It's part of the stream of consciousness that runs in the background all the time. I'm not aware that my thoughts are negative until someone else points them out.
We'll see what happens tomorrow. Maybe. I want to get better.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Come A Long Way
I haven't posted much recently, mostly because I desided to try my hand at living for a change. Results have been mixed.
I think I get in my own way. I want so much to be peaceful and happy, but there is a dark place inside me which makes it difficult for me to accept happiness when it finds me and stops me from seeking it out.
I'm human. I make mistakes. The dark part of me tells me that I don't deserve to be forgiven for them. I am told this is not a logical assumption. I want to believe this. I want to not walk on eggshells all the time, because the stress caused by doing so causes me to break down.
I think maybe I am looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. In my mind, the most desirable thing to be is a puzzle piece that fits snugly into a slot and becomes part of a whole. I've looked so hard and long for my hole, the place where I belong, but I think I'm beginning to understand that there is no such place, a hole waiting to be filled. I have to carve out my own place in this world.
Before I can do that, I have to identify who I am. I've tried so hard to make myself into what I think other people want me to be, but that doesn't work, has never worked, because people want other people to be themselves, i think.
But who am I? Seven years ago, when I became Myrrh, I had a clear idea in my head of who Myrrh was. She was a writer and amateur photographer, a free spirited bohemian with nothing to tie her down and a limitless world before her. Somehow, somewhere I lost her, and I know that I cannot get her back fully. But, perhaps I can build upon who she was, and create a new Myrrh.
Somehow, I think this time around it's going to be harder. This time, I have to build myself on a base of reality, rather than a dream. I'm going to have to tear apart my negative assumptions, because they are destroying me and my chances for a happy life.
I know that I cannot do this without help. I will have to slowly build trust in other people, and hope that they can accept me for who I am. I think...I know that there are people that will be there for me. If I haven't already destroyed those options. I have to hope that I haven't.
Regardless, I am going forward. I'm not ready to die yet. I don't want to give up without making at least one more earnest attempt at life.
I think I get in my own way. I want so much to be peaceful and happy, but there is a dark place inside me which makes it difficult for me to accept happiness when it finds me and stops me from seeking it out.
I'm human. I make mistakes. The dark part of me tells me that I don't deserve to be forgiven for them. I am told this is not a logical assumption. I want to believe this. I want to not walk on eggshells all the time, because the stress caused by doing so causes me to break down.
I think maybe I am looking for the wrong things in the wrong places. In my mind, the most desirable thing to be is a puzzle piece that fits snugly into a slot and becomes part of a whole. I've looked so hard and long for my hole, the place where I belong, but I think I'm beginning to understand that there is no such place, a hole waiting to be filled. I have to carve out my own place in this world.
Before I can do that, I have to identify who I am. I've tried so hard to make myself into what I think other people want me to be, but that doesn't work, has never worked, because people want other people to be themselves, i think.
But who am I? Seven years ago, when I became Myrrh, I had a clear idea in my head of who Myrrh was. She was a writer and amateur photographer, a free spirited bohemian with nothing to tie her down and a limitless world before her. Somehow, somewhere I lost her, and I know that I cannot get her back fully. But, perhaps I can build upon who she was, and create a new Myrrh.
Somehow, I think this time around it's going to be harder. This time, I have to build myself on a base of reality, rather than a dream. I'm going to have to tear apart my negative assumptions, because they are destroying me and my chances for a happy life.
I know that I cannot do this without help. I will have to slowly build trust in other people, and hope that they can accept me for who I am. I think...I know that there are people that will be there for me. If I haven't already destroyed those options. I have to hope that I haven't.
Regardless, I am going forward. I'm not ready to die yet. I don't want to give up without making at least one more earnest attempt at life.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Mirrors
I spend so much more of my waking time asleep. Sometimes I think there is nothing else in this world, that everything else is a dream and only the escape in sleep is real. It would be so much easier; there is so little pain there, and so much here. I could sleep for days and feel that I miss nothing, that when I wake nothing has changed. Only in my dreams do I somewhat live.
In this world I am dead, a doppelganger, moving in prescribed circles, speaking words without meaning, and chasing goals without substance. Nothing touches me and I touch nothing; hours in the world slip by like the sailboats in the foggy harbor. Everything is cold, coated with the chill of death; with nothing bright enough or sharp enough to break through the membrane that separates me from the world. Voices are like chattering crows, nonsense noises filling the air and surrounding me, choking me. I look through the view of my camera and see nothing but shadows and light projected on a screen, without substance.
As a child once I was trapped in a house of mirrors. I could see my parents in the reflections, distorted and multiplied. I was alone, inside, and the world was passing by outside. I could find no exit. I ran from room to room, finding only emptiness and my own image. I looked back and they were smiling and laughing, and I was crying, my image was crying, and the music was echoing around me, off key and dissonant. I fell and lay on the floor, curled up, my eyes closed. Only with the darkness surrounding me could I keep from shaking into pieces. After an eternity a stranger, the attendant, came to me and led me out. I reached my parents, and they pointed out that I had dropped my lamb, a prize won at a carnival game. I wouldn't go back for it. They were furious that I would leave it. I could not move. I could not speak. They said that there was nothing there to keep me from getting it. I was too afraid of the nothing. We left, and I could still see the reflection of the lamb, laying limbs askew on the floor, its eyes accusing me.
In this world I am dead, a doppelganger, moving in prescribed circles, speaking words without meaning, and chasing goals without substance. Nothing touches me and I touch nothing; hours in the world slip by like the sailboats in the foggy harbor. Everything is cold, coated with the chill of death; with nothing bright enough or sharp enough to break through the membrane that separates me from the world. Voices are like chattering crows, nonsense noises filling the air and surrounding me, choking me. I look through the view of my camera and see nothing but shadows and light projected on a screen, without substance.
As a child once I was trapped in a house of mirrors. I could see my parents in the reflections, distorted and multiplied. I was alone, inside, and the world was passing by outside. I could find no exit. I ran from room to room, finding only emptiness and my own image. I looked back and they were smiling and laughing, and I was crying, my image was crying, and the music was echoing around me, off key and dissonant. I fell and lay on the floor, curled up, my eyes closed. Only with the darkness surrounding me could I keep from shaking into pieces. After an eternity a stranger, the attendant, came to me and led me out. I reached my parents, and they pointed out that I had dropped my lamb, a prize won at a carnival game. I wouldn't go back for it. They were furious that I would leave it. I could not move. I could not speak. They said that there was nothing there to keep me from getting it. I was too afraid of the nothing. We left, and I could still see the reflection of the lamb, laying limbs askew on the floor, its eyes accusing me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Where I am not politically correct
The Arizona Republic is filling up with sob stories about illegal immigrants who are pulling up roots and moving out of the state because at the end of next month Arizona police will, under limited circumstances, have the authority to ask about a person's immigration status. Because, you know, being an immigrant and not having your papers in order is now a state crime. It already was a federal crime, but state police didn't have the authority to ask, and federal agents are thin on the ground here.
I'm not totally unsympathetic. It sucks really hard to have to leave your home and friends and pull your children out of school and start a new life somewhere else. I understand that it is painful. I understand that this will have an effect on businesses that cater to the immigrant population. But I also understand that, for the most part, those who are now fleeing knew that they were breaking the law. They made a choice to either come here by unlawful means, or to stay when their legally issued documents expired.
It's especially sad for the mixed families, where some of the members are either American citizens or here legally. And the children. It's not the American children's fault that their parents are here illegally, but they are going to have to pay the price for their parents actions. This is the case when any parent commits a crime, except in this case the children have a chance of staying with their parents. If you commit a crime and go to jail, your child doesn't usually get to go with you, you know? Taking your child home with you to Mexico is not the worst thing that could happen.
This law is also going to have an effect on the state's economy. If a large number of immigrants leave, then there will be a smaller pool of workers available to our service and agricultural industries. Our farms, construction companies, landscaping businesses, all of them will have difficulties. Some may have to close. Others will have to raise rates. We may have to pay more for locally grown vegetables. We may have to actually *gasp* maintain our own yards! What a horrible thing! (Can you smell the sarcasm?)
In a way, I think this is actually a positive effect. For too much of our history America has thrived on the sweat of our migrant (and slave) workers. Perhaps it is time for Americans to realize that there is a lot of hard manual labor required for us to maintain the cozy standard of living to which we all seem to think we are entitled. Maybe our children will take summer jobs working for landscape companies, or farms. Maybe they will learn that life is not always handed to you on a platter with au jus on the side. Maybe they will grow up to be stronger than those of us who wouldn't know one end of a shovel from another.
I am sad for the people who's lives are being disrupted, but I feel that this is the right course of action for Arizona.
I'm not totally unsympathetic. It sucks really hard to have to leave your home and friends and pull your children out of school and start a new life somewhere else. I understand that it is painful. I understand that this will have an effect on businesses that cater to the immigrant population. But I also understand that, for the most part, those who are now fleeing knew that they were breaking the law. They made a choice to either come here by unlawful means, or to stay when their legally issued documents expired.
It's especially sad for the mixed families, where some of the members are either American citizens or here legally. And the children. It's not the American children's fault that their parents are here illegally, but they are going to have to pay the price for their parents actions. This is the case when any parent commits a crime, except in this case the children have a chance of staying with their parents. If you commit a crime and go to jail, your child doesn't usually get to go with you, you know? Taking your child home with you to Mexico is not the worst thing that could happen.
This law is also going to have an effect on the state's economy. If a large number of immigrants leave, then there will be a smaller pool of workers available to our service and agricultural industries. Our farms, construction companies, landscaping businesses, all of them will have difficulties. Some may have to close. Others will have to raise rates. We may have to pay more for locally grown vegetables. We may have to actually *gasp* maintain our own yards! What a horrible thing! (Can you smell the sarcasm?)
In a way, I think this is actually a positive effect. For too much of our history America has thrived on the sweat of our migrant (and slave) workers. Perhaps it is time for Americans to realize that there is a lot of hard manual labor required for us to maintain the cozy standard of living to which we all seem to think we are entitled. Maybe our children will take summer jobs working for landscape companies, or farms. Maybe they will learn that life is not always handed to you on a platter with au jus on the side. Maybe they will grow up to be stronger than those of us who wouldn't know one end of a shovel from another.
I am sad for the people who's lives are being disrupted, but I feel that this is the right course of action for Arizona.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Just once can it be ok?
Fear of failure can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. Somehow I can't seem to remember that.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Trapped
There is a fair amount of talk going around about advances in communication with people in a persistent vegetative state. I'm not going to talk about the moral obligations that these new studies lay upon us. I can see that this would make the incredibly difficult decision of removing or retaining life support that much more agonizing for the loved ones of someone in such a condition.
In my case, however. please pull the plug.
I don't care if I'm able to answer yes or no questions based on my thought patterns. I don't care if I'm still mentally functioning on some level. If my world has been reduced to a bed with wires and tubes running in and out of me, unable to handle basic functions, with no real hope of moving beyond that, I should be let go.
Ever read the book, "Johnny Got His Gun", or seen the movie? If you haven't, watch it. That is my greatest nightmare. Trapped within my mind with no escape. Slowly losing my sanity.
This is why I have an living will. I don't ever want anyone to think that I want to live just because there is a slight chance I might still be sentient. I have no fear of dying. I have no fear of living in a tiny cage, or being physically restrained, because at least then I can fight, I still have control of my body. Once that is gone, please - let my soul free. Some prisons are just too small.
In my case, however. please pull the plug.
I don't care if I'm able to answer yes or no questions based on my thought patterns. I don't care if I'm still mentally functioning on some level. If my world has been reduced to a bed with wires and tubes running in and out of me, unable to handle basic functions, with no real hope of moving beyond that, I should be let go.
Ever read the book, "Johnny Got His Gun", or seen the movie? If you haven't, watch it. That is my greatest nightmare. Trapped within my mind with no escape. Slowly losing my sanity.
This is why I have an living will. I don't ever want anyone to think that I want to live just because there is a slight chance I might still be sentient. I have no fear of dying. I have no fear of living in a tiny cage, or being physically restrained, because at least then I can fight, I still have control of my body. Once that is gone, please - let my soul free. Some prisons are just too small.
Things I Can't Imagine
"Director Albert Hughes (Menace II Society, From Hell, The Book of Eli) told The Kevin and Josh Movie Show in a Friday radio interview that Warner Brothers gave him a "mandate" for a PG-13 rating on the planned live-action films of Katsuhiro Otomo's Akira science-fiction manga."
Akira was never my favorite manga or anime. However, I have a great deal of respect for it's style. I'm wondering how the director can keep it PG-13 while still fully exploring the more mature themes in the story line.
Then again, the Batman reboots have been PG-13...maybe it can be done....
Akira was never my favorite manga or anime. However, I have a great deal of respect for it's style. I'm wondering how the director can keep it PG-13 while still fully exploring the more mature themes in the story line.
Then again, the Batman reboots have been PG-13...maybe it can be done....
Friday, June 18, 2010
Finally!
I've managed to dig out my office! I can see my desk! Oh, baby - it's been so long!
A few more hours of organization and I will have an official place to work and write. I'm really quite excited. Possibly as early as this weekend I will be able to write something more substantial than a grocery list!.
Hopefully my exercise program will last longer than a week and inspire me to get into a daily routine of running, writing, reading, and meditating. I'm so full of hope that I can get myself back to the life I really want to live, as well as learning to be a supportive and responsible wife and, hopefully, a loving mother. I like having high goals.
Really, really wanting to start some sewing projects. Possibly this weekend I'll hit the thrift stores and see if I can find a sewing table so I can get set up, and a book to start learning simple projects. Eventually I'd like to be able to make my own clothing (mostly dresses and skirts - I'm really not much of a pants girl even though i wear them most of the time now.)
I want to set up some writing goals for next week, I just can't decide if it should be to produce new work or to edit.
Arizona has officially entered what I consider to be summer. It's expected to be at least 105 every day for the foreseeable future, which means I can add sunbathing to my morning routine and have an excuse to use the misters on the patio! The wall around the yard is high enough that I can get away with wearing a bikini and not scare passerbys. I want to get tan all over - I let myself turn Simpsons Yellow over the last two years, which is not a good look for me. Of course, the honeymoon cruise allowed me to pick up some color, so now I'm two-toned until I can get the rest of my body tanned. ^_^
I'm several hours late for interval training, so I guess I should get going. To the treadmill!!!
A few more hours of organization and I will have an official place to work and write. I'm really quite excited. Possibly as early as this weekend I will be able to write something more substantial than a grocery list!.
Hopefully my exercise program will last longer than a week and inspire me to get into a daily routine of running, writing, reading, and meditating. I'm so full of hope that I can get myself back to the life I really want to live, as well as learning to be a supportive and responsible wife and, hopefully, a loving mother. I like having high goals.
Really, really wanting to start some sewing projects. Possibly this weekend I'll hit the thrift stores and see if I can find a sewing table so I can get set up, and a book to start learning simple projects. Eventually I'd like to be able to make my own clothing (mostly dresses and skirts - I'm really not much of a pants girl even though i wear them most of the time now.)
I want to set up some writing goals for next week, I just can't decide if it should be to produce new work or to edit.
Arizona has officially entered what I consider to be summer. It's expected to be at least 105 every day for the foreseeable future, which means I can add sunbathing to my morning routine and have an excuse to use the misters on the patio! The wall around the yard is high enough that I can get away with wearing a bikini and not scare passerbys. I want to get tan all over - I let myself turn Simpsons Yellow over the last two years, which is not a good look for me. Of course, the honeymoon cruise allowed me to pick up some color, so now I'm two-toned until I can get the rest of my body tanned. ^_^
I'm several hours late for interval training, so I guess I should get going. To the treadmill!!!
Things I Want at the Moment
A sewing machine table
A banjo
Someone to paint the house
A better digital camera
A Llama
Rosetta Stone - Japanese (all levels)
Elegantly framed art prints
A set of cat hair clippers
A Gibson PR5-E
A calligrapher to do the family pages in our bible
Soft, dewy skin
The complete Criterion Collection
Muscles that didn't ache so darn much.
A banjo
Someone to paint the house
A better digital camera
A Llama
Rosetta Stone - Japanese (all levels)
Elegantly framed art prints
A set of cat hair clippers
A Gibson PR5-E
A calligrapher to do the family pages in our bible
Soft, dewy skin
The complete Criterion Collection
Muscles that didn't ache so darn much.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Day Two - In the Foothills
The second day of an exercise regimen is always the worst. Or is it the third day? I can't remember.
I do know that, after the first jogging interval, my legs suddenly started to feel rubbery. I wondered if I should stop, because that didn't seem like a good sign. And hey, who would know if I didn't finish my routine? Nobody! I don't have to do this! Nobody is forcing me!
Except....
Me. I'm forcing me. Because I have a goal. And the only way to meet that goal is to follow through faithfully. So I continue all the way through to the end (with a few pauses because my heart rate was registering around 195 and that's never a good thing but I paused the timer too so there was a full 30 minutes of actual activity.)
After the routine I was lightheaded and weak, but I had the satisfaction of not giving up on something, and that feels mighty good.
I do know that, after the first jogging interval, my legs suddenly started to feel rubbery. I wondered if I should stop, because that didn't seem like a good sign. And hey, who would know if I didn't finish my routine? Nobody! I don't have to do this! Nobody is forcing me!
Except....
Me. I'm forcing me. Because I have a goal. And the only way to meet that goal is to follow through faithfully. So I continue all the way through to the end (with a few pauses because my heart rate was registering around 195 and that's never a good thing but I paused the timer too so there was a full 30 minutes of actual activity.)
After the routine I was lightheaded and weak, but I had the satisfaction of not giving up on something, and that feels mighty good.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Couch to 5K in 9 Weeks?
I should have written hours ago.
I should have done a lot of things hours ago, while the endorphins from this morning's interval training was still racing through my body. Now the only thing racing through my body is pain.
And I have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that, before my body stops complaining and I can start seriously working on my goal to run 5K.
Yes, my lazy pizza filled butt is going to run, an activity I haven't been able to do for almost 15 years. Barring injury, I'm going to train six mornings a week, gradually working my way up to a full jog, then hopefully a run.
If my ankles hold up. And my back.
I should have done a lot of things hours ago, while the endorphins from this morning's interval training was still racing through my body. Now the only thing racing through my body is pain.
And I have to do it again tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that, before my body stops complaining and I can start seriously working on my goal to run 5K.
Yes, my lazy pizza filled butt is going to run, an activity I haven't been able to do for almost 15 years. Barring injury, I'm going to train six mornings a week, gradually working my way up to a full jog, then hopefully a run.
If my ankles hold up. And my back.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
No Regrets
Last night proved two things:
1. I am really getting old
2. I'm willing to put aside my age for good music.
Miyavi is one of those artists that shine best when they are on stage. I love his albums, but his music is best heard live where he can share his true spirit with the audience. The energy that young man emits in person is incredible, and his style is always evolving, so even songs I've heard so many times before sound fresh and new.
Miyavi is not a "guitarist's guitarist," but his style of playing is genius. I found myself entralled with watching his hands during solos, because his technique is so different from what I'm used to seeing. This tour we are seeing lot of focus on his guitar playing - he's playing with only two support musicians - and the sound that he puts out is beyond belief. He carried the entire crowd on a wave of almost pure Funk at times - a style that is sadly lacking in today's popular music scene.
If I could follow this tour I would. If there is a tour DVD released I am so getting it.
We stilll have a few hours in LA before we have to head back to Phoenix and a return to real life. I'm not sure what we're going to do with that time yet.
1. I am really getting old
2. I'm willing to put aside my age for good music.
Miyavi is one of those artists that shine best when they are on stage. I love his albums, but his music is best heard live where he can share his true spirit with the audience. The energy that young man emits in person is incredible, and his style is always evolving, so even songs I've heard so many times before sound fresh and new.
Miyavi is not a "guitarist's guitarist," but his style of playing is genius. I found myself entralled with watching his hands during solos, because his technique is so different from what I'm used to seeing. This tour we are seeing lot of focus on his guitar playing - he's playing with only two support musicians - and the sound that he puts out is beyond belief. He carried the entire crowd on a wave of almost pure Funk at times - a style that is sadly lacking in today's popular music scene.
If I could follow this tour I would. If there is a tour DVD released I am so getting it.
We stilll have a few hours in LA before we have to head back to Phoenix and a return to real life. I'm not sure what we're going to do with that time yet.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Doing Without
I travel pretty heavy. I usually have several pieces of electronic equipment on or near my person at all times. My purse weighs in at between 8 and 11 pounds depending on how many books I'm carrying.
This weekend, John and I are going to Los Angeles with a friend (said friend and I are going to see a Japanese musician named Miyavi Saturday night.) I'm challenging myself to take as little with me as possible for this weekend.
Culling is difficult. I don't actually have a small pocketbook/purse, which means I'm going to have to buy one (not a bad thing.) I'm not taking a laptop, but that is partially because I am taking my iPhone. I'm only going to take one book and one journal. I'm going to skip the camera because there is one in the iPhone. I'm taking only one credit card and my ID. One lipstick, one gloss, painkillers (just in case,) eyeglasses (just in case,) and only what clothing and toiletries will fit into my gym bag.
This probably sounds like a normal amount of stuff. I never claimed to be normal. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get by on just this. And to think I used to do this all the time - just pick up and go with a change of clothes and $40 in my pocket.
I should probably start packing now....
This weekend, John and I are going to Los Angeles with a friend (said friend and I are going to see a Japanese musician named Miyavi Saturday night.) I'm challenging myself to take as little with me as possible for this weekend.
Culling is difficult. I don't actually have a small pocketbook/purse, which means I'm going to have to buy one (not a bad thing.) I'm not taking a laptop, but that is partially because I am taking my iPhone. I'm only going to take one book and one journal. I'm going to skip the camera because there is one in the iPhone. I'm taking only one credit card and my ID. One lipstick, one gloss, painkillers (just in case,) eyeglasses (just in case,) and only what clothing and toiletries will fit into my gym bag.
This probably sounds like a normal amount of stuff. I never claimed to be normal. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get by on just this. And to think I used to do this all the time - just pick up and go with a change of clothes and $40 in my pocket.
I should probably start packing now....
It's Amazing
I have a little less stuff than I had yesterday.
My life is less cluttered by a handful of makeup that I don't use and a pile of bootleg anime dvds that I purchased years ago and have either replaced with legitimate copies or am not going to watch anyway.
The book storage problem is growing. Now that I've fished all the strays from under the bed and the tables, there are rows double stacked on some shelves. There is no real organization, though the manga is mostly together in the bedroom and the Beats are behind the recliner in the living room. Everything else is all jumbled together - I really have no idea what I own anymore.
Even so, things are improving. The bedroom is completely clean again, as is the living room (aside from a little dusting and a quick vacuuming.) Next stop - kitchen. Then the office, which I've been dreading for weeks because it is still piled with wedding stuff that needs to be sorted. (Note: wedding was two months ago yesterday and I still don't have all the thank you notes out.)
I'm amazed at how focused I've been this morning. Also, I'm amazed that I'm writing. It's only a little bit, but little bits become big bits, and repetition becomes habit, and out of reality will eventually come fiction.
Back to work....
My life is less cluttered by a handful of makeup that I don't use and a pile of bootleg anime dvds that I purchased years ago and have either replaced with legitimate copies or am not going to watch anyway.
The book storage problem is growing. Now that I've fished all the strays from under the bed and the tables, there are rows double stacked on some shelves. There is no real organization, though the manga is mostly together in the bedroom and the Beats are behind the recliner in the living room. Everything else is all jumbled together - I really have no idea what I own anymore.
Even so, things are improving. The bedroom is completely clean again, as is the living room (aside from a little dusting and a quick vacuuming.) Next stop - kitchen. Then the office, which I've been dreading for weeks because it is still piled with wedding stuff that needs to be sorted. (Note: wedding was two months ago yesterday and I still don't have all the thank you notes out.)
I'm amazed at how focused I've been this morning. Also, I'm amazed that I'm writing. It's only a little bit, but little bits become big bits, and repetition becomes habit, and out of reality will eventually come fiction.
Back to work....
A New Challenge!
Monday.
Monday I tackle the dreaded rice cooker.
There will be rice every day until I get it right.
I'm a little nervous because, even though I've longed for this rice cooker for years, it seems so much more complicated than the one I've been using for years. Steamed rice instead of boiled rice. I wonder if I can manage?
I've been asking my body what it wants to eat, and it's telling me sticky rice, steamed asparagus, and chicken teriyaki. I wonder if I can make proper bento rice?
Alright!
I'm going to work hard today!
Monday I tackle the dreaded rice cooker.
There will be rice every day until I get it right.
I'm a little nervous because, even though I've longed for this rice cooker for years, it seems so much more complicated than the one I've been using for years. Steamed rice instead of boiled rice. I wonder if I can manage?
I've been asking my body what it wants to eat, and it's telling me sticky rice, steamed asparagus, and chicken teriyaki. I wonder if I can make proper bento rice?
Alright!
I'm going to work hard today!
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Taking Things for Granted
I've forgotten how wonderful it feels to breathe.
Just taking a few breaths mindfully, it makes such a difference. Somehow, over the past couple of years, it has slipped away from me. Meditation - right now I cannot keep my mind still for even a few seconds. I'm woefully out of practice.
How long has it been since I've simply sat still and existed? How long since I've taken a bite of food and actually tasted it? How long since I've taken a walk? It's been years. Years connected to my news feeds, music blogs, web comics. Years of constant email updates, virtual worlds, online games -slash- skinner boxes. Instant gratification.
I carry a netbook with me at all times so that I can check in any time there is wi-fi available. I now have a smartphone which allows me to check in anywhere, period. And I do. I can't go five minutes without updating - is there a new email, a new news article. Has a friend updated their blog? Something amusing on Fark? I have to know.
I have a recliner in my living room. I spend at least eight hours a day sitting in it. I believe I'm forgetting how to sit up straight. My rump is starting to conform to the shape of the cushions. There is a permanent bruise over my right knee where I balance my laptop.
I'm too busy updating to create. I haven't written a bit of fiction in longer than I can remember. Somewhere along the line I've forgotten how to be creative. This thought, more than anything else, frightens me. If I do not create, then what am I? I have all these wonderful tools at my fingertips, but somehow I have let them take control of me rather than I of them. I exist...why? I've lost my purpose as a sentient being. But...there is hope.
Somewhere, outside of the mind altering drugs that keep me, there is still a spark inside of me that is aware. If I nurture it, perhaps I can pull myself back. I can find meaning in life again. Slowly. I need to ask my body what it needs. I need to ask my mind what it needs. I need to ask my soul what it needs. I need to start.
I think, one breath at a time, I can regain my focus. If I slow my breathing, slow my mind, slow the relentless assault of information - perhaps I can regain my sanity.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Just taking a few breaths mindfully, it makes such a difference. Somehow, over the past couple of years, it has slipped away from me. Meditation - right now I cannot keep my mind still for even a few seconds. I'm woefully out of practice.
How long has it been since I've simply sat still and existed? How long since I've taken a bite of food and actually tasted it? How long since I've taken a walk? It's been years. Years connected to my news feeds, music blogs, web comics. Years of constant email updates, virtual worlds, online games -slash- skinner boxes. Instant gratification.
I carry a netbook with me at all times so that I can check in any time there is wi-fi available. I now have a smartphone which allows me to check in anywhere, period. And I do. I can't go five minutes without updating - is there a new email, a new news article. Has a friend updated their blog? Something amusing on Fark? I have to know.
I have a recliner in my living room. I spend at least eight hours a day sitting in it. I believe I'm forgetting how to sit up straight. My rump is starting to conform to the shape of the cushions. There is a permanent bruise over my right knee where I balance my laptop.
I'm too busy updating to create. I haven't written a bit of fiction in longer than I can remember. Somewhere along the line I've forgotten how to be creative. This thought, more than anything else, frightens me. If I do not create, then what am I? I have all these wonderful tools at my fingertips, but somehow I have let them take control of me rather than I of them. I exist...why? I've lost my purpose as a sentient being. But...there is hope.
Somewhere, outside of the mind altering drugs that keep me, there is still a spark inside of me that is aware. If I nurture it, perhaps I can pull myself back. I can find meaning in life again. Slowly. I need to ask my body what it needs. I need to ask my mind what it needs. I need to ask my soul what it needs. I need to start.
I think, one breath at a time, I can regain my focus. If I slow my breathing, slow my mind, slow the relentless assault of information - perhaps I can regain my sanity.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Is it really Tuesday?
Somehow I've managed to lose an entire month. Mostly a long, deep trough of depression, highlighted with a few episodes of the mean reds, my life for the past few weeks has been a disorganized mess. I am seriously lacking the one thing I need most - structure. I've tried self imposing, but getting out of bed has been so hard and, having already messed up my carefully planned schedule, it just seems kind of pointless to pick it up later - it's so much easier to just wait and try again tomorrow. And that way points directly toward failure city.
I'm not very good at kicking my own ass.
The list of things I need to do is growing. I'm not writing, I'm not working, I'm not exercising, I'm not studying. It's not like I have a difficult life - I'm just avoiding discomfort. I probably should explore that a bit, try to delve into what it means and why I'm doing it.
Or I could just get off my butt and do something.
I'm not very good at kicking my own ass.
The list of things I need to do is growing. I'm not writing, I'm not working, I'm not exercising, I'm not studying. It's not like I have a difficult life - I'm just avoiding discomfort. I probably should explore that a bit, try to delve into what it means and why I'm doing it.
Or I could just get off my butt and do something.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
Every time I try to settle myself into my faith, my church does something that makes me question if I'm making the right choice.
I am a Catholic. Born into it and raised in it through childhood. As a young adult I lapsed and studied new age and eastern religions. I spent maybe twelve years as a practicing Wiccan. I believe that, for the most part, differing religions can each have a grasp on the truth. I don't believe there is One True Way that is right for everyone. I just believe that my current path is the right one for me.
Sometime, however, it seems like the Catholic Church is doing what it can to shake my beliefs. This includes things like the Church's views on abortion and on GLBT members. I mean, I agree with the church's stance to a certain point, but somehow it often gets taken to a level that to me goes against a christ-like worldview.
There are two articles in the newspaper right now that have me wondering. One is about a third grader who was denied admission into a catholic school because his parents are lesbian. The other is local, where a "Catholic nun and longtime administrator of St. Joseph's Hospital" was demoted and a critically ill woman excommunicated because she was allowed an abortion to save her life.
Both decisions seem terribly wrong headed to me, but the second one actually filled me with rage against our Bishop Olmert. I understand that life is precious and believe it very strongly, but I fail to see how two deaths would be morally more correct than one. Could any doctor or nurse truly sit by and let her die rather than abort the child? I know that I could not. I also know that, if I were in this situation, my church would rather me die. It's so very hard to understand, and how can I not think of such things when I pray, asking God if that is truly his will, or if his messengers on earth have distorted his will to please themselves.
I am so disturbed and full of anger that I cannot think well of my church right now. It's so very hard.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/05/15/20100515phoenix-catholic-nun-abortion.html
http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/articles/2010/05/14/20100514stjoseph0515bishop.html
I am a Catholic. Born into it and raised in it through childhood. As a young adult I lapsed and studied new age and eastern religions. I spent maybe twelve years as a practicing Wiccan. I believe that, for the most part, differing religions can each have a grasp on the truth. I don't believe there is One True Way that is right for everyone. I just believe that my current path is the right one for me.
Sometime, however, it seems like the Catholic Church is doing what it can to shake my beliefs. This includes things like the Church's views on abortion and on GLBT members. I mean, I agree with the church's stance to a certain point, but somehow it often gets taken to a level that to me goes against a christ-like worldview.
There are two articles in the newspaper right now that have me wondering. One is about a third grader who was denied admission into a catholic school because his parents are lesbian. The other is local, where a "Catholic nun and longtime administrator of St. Joseph's Hospital" was demoted and a critically ill woman excommunicated because she was allowed an abortion to save her life.
Both decisions seem terribly wrong headed to me, but the second one actually filled me with rage against our Bishop Olmert. I understand that life is precious and believe it very strongly, but I fail to see how two deaths would be morally more correct than one. Could any doctor or nurse truly sit by and let her die rather than abort the child? I know that I could not. I also know that, if I were in this situation, my church would rather me die. It's so very hard to understand, and how can I not think of such things when I pray, asking God if that is truly his will, or if his messengers on earth have distorted his will to please themselves.
I am so disturbed and full of anger that I cannot think well of my church right now. It's so very hard.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/05/15/20100515phoenix-catholic-nun-abortion.html
http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/articles/2010/05/14/20100514stjoseph0515bishop.html
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Lists
I’ve never been the most organized person. I feel most comfortable doing whatever pops into my head, without planning at all. This often leads to some interesting results, but it also means that I tend to avoid unpleasant activites and procrastinate horribly. My procrastination makes unpleasant things even worse, because now they are often overdue or out of date or someone else has already taken care of it because they were tired of waiting for me to get around to it.
I’m starting to make lists. I love making lists. What I don’t love is following them. In fact, I’m writing this right now to avoid doing the things on the list I just made.
Current list (in no real order):
- Clean and fuel car
- Research personalized stationary
- Practice handwriting
- Grocery shopping
- Make five phone calls
- Finish thank you notes
- Finish laundry
Today, I will check off everything on my list.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Spring Cleaning
Sometimes you have to step back. look at the tangled mess of weeds that make up your life, and haul out the weedwacker. For me, it seems to be that time.
A good look at my email: every morning I delete 90% of my new mail without opening it. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it anymore. Today I took the time to open each one and unsubscribe from everything that I don't need (which is pretty much every subscription list I've ended up on.) I don't need news alerts pushed to my email - I read the newspapers online anyway. I don't need weekly specials from my spa - I only go there once every three months or so, and never for anything they have on sale (I don't need a BioMeridian Stress Analysis, thank you.) I don't need every store I shop to send me weekly specials, especially since I'm now on a budget.
Yes, a budget. Don't laugh.
Just because I've never been on one before doesn't mean I can't handle one. It's long overdue. It's also harder than I thought it would be.
The easy part was figuring out what bills I have to pay every month. I don't really have many, compared to most people. I tend to pay cash for everything, so I don't have any loans, and I only have one credit card (which did get run up a bit with wedding purchases, but I can pay it off by the end of the summer.) So...student loans (yes, I've been putting them off,) auto insurance, cell phone, web hosting....that's about it. The harder part is planning how much I am going to spend on living: groceries, gas, entertainment.... Entertainment. DVDs, pop CDs from Japan, travel...I'm not going to be able to do this off the cuff anymore. I'm actually going to have to plan.
I've never had a plan before.
I'm not going to be able to just spend $45 on a first press Gackt CD, or $30 on a new T.M. Revolution single. I'm going to have to save up and have money put aside for these kinds of purchases. Pizza will be a once in a while thing rather than a "meh, I don't feel like cooking" thing. Just thinking that makes me want a slice.
It's time for me to be an adult, but the growing pains are more than I bargained for. Still, I think the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get some satisfaction from ending the month with money in the bank instead of eating ramen and rolling coins for gas money. Stranger things have happened.
A good look at my email: every morning I delete 90% of my new mail without opening it. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it anymore. Today I took the time to open each one and unsubscribe from everything that I don't need (which is pretty much every subscription list I've ended up on.) I don't need news alerts pushed to my email - I read the newspapers online anyway. I don't need weekly specials from my spa - I only go there once every three months or so, and never for anything they have on sale (I don't need a BioMeridian Stress Analysis, thank you.) I don't need every store I shop to send me weekly specials, especially since I'm now on a budget.
Yes, a budget. Don't laugh.
Just because I've never been on one before doesn't mean I can't handle one. It's long overdue. It's also harder than I thought it would be.
The easy part was figuring out what bills I have to pay every month. I don't really have many, compared to most people. I tend to pay cash for everything, so I don't have any loans, and I only have one credit card (which did get run up a bit with wedding purchases, but I can pay it off by the end of the summer.) So...student loans (yes, I've been putting them off,) auto insurance, cell phone, web hosting....that's about it. The harder part is planning how much I am going to spend on living: groceries, gas, entertainment.... Entertainment. DVDs, pop CDs from Japan, travel...I'm not going to be able to do this off the cuff anymore. I'm actually going to have to plan.
I've never had a plan before.
I'm not going to be able to just spend $45 on a first press Gackt CD, or $30 on a new T.M. Revolution single. I'm going to have to save up and have money put aside for these kinds of purchases. Pizza will be a once in a while thing rather than a "meh, I don't feel like cooking" thing. Just thinking that makes me want a slice.
It's time for me to be an adult, but the growing pains are more than I bargained for. Still, I think the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get some satisfaction from ending the month with money in the bank instead of eating ramen and rolling coins for gas money. Stranger things have happened.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Can You Touch It?
The internet, the world online, is a fiction. It is a fiction that seduces me from the possibility of really living. The air I breathe is without oxygen. I can't remember the taste of water. I numb myself with medication, blind myself with the experiences of others.
A home visit. A rehab specialist to fill more pages in a case file with my name but not with me or of me. I don't exist in those pages. The person described in his notes does not exist. The hopeful, ernest woman is a figment, created by me and interpreted by those who come into contact with me.
Who am I? I came here to be an artist. I came here to give birth to something, but instead I am barren of thoughts and ideas. How empty. I want to find something within me to grasp, something to move me forward, someplace to stand so that I can grow.
My head is spinning. Fear fills me again, and I do not know where to seek refuge.
We went to a movie this weekend. I was frightened, not by the images, but because I could not control the volume in the theater. I live in a world where the decibel level is so carefully contained that it cannot shock or hurt me. I've lost the sound of a real world.
I've forgotten the scent of a real flower.
I've forgotten the feel of a knife tearing into my shoulder.
My mind is not where it should be. I need to step out. Where is the window?
A home visit. A rehab specialist to fill more pages in a case file with my name but not with me or of me. I don't exist in those pages. The person described in his notes does not exist. The hopeful, ernest woman is a figment, created by me and interpreted by those who come into contact with me.
Who am I? I came here to be an artist. I came here to give birth to something, but instead I am barren of thoughts and ideas. How empty. I want to find something within me to grasp, something to move me forward, someplace to stand so that I can grow.
My head is spinning. Fear fills me again, and I do not know where to seek refuge.
We went to a movie this weekend. I was frightened, not by the images, but because I could not control the volume in the theater. I live in a world where the decibel level is so carefully contained that it cannot shock or hurt me. I've lost the sound of a real world.
I've forgotten the scent of a real flower.
I've forgotten the feel of a knife tearing into my shoulder.
My mind is not where it should be. I need to step out. Where is the window?
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Things I Would Really Like To Get Done Around The House
Short Term
Mid Range
Before We Sell
I'm not as competent as I used to be....
- Find artwork for the dining room
- Install organization system for the Master Bathroom
- Replace single large mirror in Master Bath with two large framed oval ones.
Mid Range
- Install hardwood floors in living area
- Install tile flooring in Kitchen and Foyer
- Upgrade closet system in Master Bedroom
Before We Sell
- Upgrade carpet in Bedrooms
I'm not as competent as I used to be....
Monday, April 26, 2010
Seven days in an alternate reality, a tropical world where there are no chores to do and no deadlines to meet. Seven days, with a return to my world clasping a handful of souvenirs, a disk full of photographs, and three suitcases full of laundry.
Awaking to the beautiful Arizona sunrise, how wonderful. After a week of hazy horizons and rippling oceans, the sharp, clear lines of the mountains and heat rising off the patio, our patio, i's more wonderful than any beach in the Caribbean. It's home.
Now there are groceries to buy, weeds to pull, rooms to clean. A life to be lived. Together.
It's so sweet, ne?
Awaking to the beautiful Arizona sunrise, how wonderful. After a week of hazy horizons and rippling oceans, the sharp, clear lines of the mountains and heat rising off the patio, our patio, i's more wonderful than any beach in the Caribbean. It's home.
Now there are groceries to buy, weeds to pull, rooms to clean. A life to be lived. Together.
It's so sweet, ne?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
A Little Light Reading?
The vows recited, the cake cut, the bouquet tossed, John and I are officially a couple until one of us kills the other (isn't that how the saying goes?) It feels so good to not have such a monstrous deadline hanging over my head. And in a few days we head off to our official honeymoon: a full week in the Caribbean on a cruise! Have I ever mentioned how much I love cruising? Sitting in the sun, the heady scent of salt water carried on the breeze, a tropical cocktail by my elbow and a good book in my hand....
Oh, dear.
The hardest part of packing for an extended trip is not about what fabulous outfits I want to bring for dinner (though I do have a lovely new red cocktail dress that will be wonderful for dancing,) rather it is deciding what section of my library I'm willing to lug across the continent and out into the ocean. There is a practical limit to what I can bring, I understand that, but somehow I can never make up my mind on what kind of book I'm going to want to read. Do I bring light reading? Old familiar favorites? Unread books purchased because I should read them? Some random romance novel picked up in the airport?
I'm cautiously looking at a pile of books now, more than I could ever take with me and certainly more than I will read in a week on a boat with so many fun and fascinating activities, but what should I cut? Right now the short list contains:
* One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
* A Fraction Of The Whole - Steve Toltz
* Henry and June - Anais Nin
* Naked Lunch - William Burroughs
* Desolation Angels - Jack Kerouac
* Life Among the Lutherans - Garrison Keillor
* Four Plays - Tennessee Williams
* Party Monster - James St. James
* Songs of the Doomed - Hunter S. Thompson
* Beat Spirit - Mel Ash
* Two books on writing techniques
Just reaching that list involved a lot of cutting, and there are hard decisions to be made. Do I cut the Burroughs in favor of the Kerouac? Is a novella on life in a gulag really appropriate for a tropical vacation? Am I going to write at all while I'm at sea (it's never happened before, despite my best intentions.) Perhaps I should compromise and invest in some audiobooks?
Over the next two days the pile will undoubtedly shrink and grow and change all about. I wish I could find my copy of A Suitable Boy - it would be a lovely re-read. Maybe if I split the pile up between my backpack for the plane and my checked luggage? Or maybe John has some room in his bags? Sa....
Oh, dear.
The hardest part of packing for an extended trip is not about what fabulous outfits I want to bring for dinner (though I do have a lovely new red cocktail dress that will be wonderful for dancing,) rather it is deciding what section of my library I'm willing to lug across the continent and out into the ocean. There is a practical limit to what I can bring, I understand that, but somehow I can never make up my mind on what kind of book I'm going to want to read. Do I bring light reading? Old familiar favorites? Unread books purchased because I should read them? Some random romance novel picked up in the airport?
I'm cautiously looking at a pile of books now, more than I could ever take with me and certainly more than I will read in a week on a boat with so many fun and fascinating activities, but what should I cut? Right now the short list contains:
* One Day In The Life Of Ivan Denisovich - Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
* A Fraction Of The Whole - Steve Toltz
* Henry and June - Anais Nin
* Naked Lunch - William Burroughs
* Desolation Angels - Jack Kerouac
* Life Among the Lutherans - Garrison Keillor
* Four Plays - Tennessee Williams
* Party Monster - James St. James
* Songs of the Doomed - Hunter S. Thompson
* Beat Spirit - Mel Ash
* Two books on writing techniques
Just reaching that list involved a lot of cutting, and there are hard decisions to be made. Do I cut the Burroughs in favor of the Kerouac? Is a novella on life in a gulag really appropriate for a tropical vacation? Am I going to write at all while I'm at sea (it's never happened before, despite my best intentions.) Perhaps I should compromise and invest in some audiobooks?
Over the next two days the pile will undoubtedly shrink and grow and change all about. I wish I could find my copy of A Suitable Boy - it would be a lovely re-read. Maybe if I split the pile up between my backpack for the plane and my checked luggage? Or maybe John has some room in his bags? Sa....
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Of Love....
I have talked to you, talked,
dark Lifter of Mountains,
About this old love,
from birth after birth.
Don't go, don't,
Lifter of Mountains,
Let me offer a sacrifice—myself—
beloved,
to your beautiful face.
Come, here in the courtyard,
dark Lord,
The women are singing auspicious wedding songs;
My eyes have fashioned
an altar of pearl tears,
And here is my sacrifice:
the body and mind
Of Mira,
the servant who clings to your feet,
through life after life,
a virginal harvest for you to reap.
--Mira Bai
The Heavily Sedated Bride
I'm officially only days away from my OMG I CAN'T BELIEVE I"M DOING THIS wedding. The first five months were easy, I felt so proud of myself for not going all Bridezilla and being controlling over every step and every detail. Of course, I shouldn't have expected that to last.
Now it feels like a race to the finish, and I'm in second or third place heading into the final straightaway. So many things about the ceremony have not been finalized, and appointments are constantly delayed. The original priest will not be doing the ceremony, and I have not heard back on if the second choice is available. The music ministry meetings have met with a series of unfortunate events and have not yet happened. My hairstylist moved to another salon and it took me over a week to find her. The menu at the reception has to be changed. I need to find/make/rent decorations for the church. Programs need to be printed. Transportation needs to be acquired. I have a metric fuckton of thank you notes to write. I ONLY HAVE 29 DAYS TO FINALIZE THINGS (including today.)
I am popping Valium like pez. Please, I just want to get through this without killing myself or anyone around me.
Now it feels like a race to the finish, and I'm in second or third place heading into the final straightaway. So many things about the ceremony have not been finalized, and appointments are constantly delayed. The original priest will not be doing the ceremony, and I have not heard back on if the second choice is available. The music ministry meetings have met with a series of unfortunate events and have not yet happened. My hairstylist moved to another salon and it took me over a week to find her. The menu at the reception has to be changed. I need to find/make/rent decorations for the church. Programs need to be printed. Transportation needs to be acquired. I have a metric fuckton of thank you notes to write. I ONLY HAVE 29 DAYS TO FINALIZE THINGS (including today.)
I am popping Valium like pez. Please, I just want to get through this without killing myself or anyone around me.
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