Ashes

I haven't thrown in the towel, though goodness knows it's been tempting.  It's harder than it seems, keeping everything inside.  A sleepless night; lonely, hurting, crying out in the darkness knowing that there was never anyone there to hear.  Ghosts are all that remain in my life, they follow me everywhere. Ghosts of friends, ghosts of loved ones - there is nothing but ashes.  Is it really all my fault?  Do I have to take the blame for everything?  It's more than one person should have to bear.

Darnit, I felt good yesterday - where did it go?  I was a frazzled mess at work, slept all afternoon, and have been crying all evening.  This is so wrong, but I don't know how to fix it.  Help....

Getting on Track Again

I'd forgotten what a rush working out gives me! I'm so happy - I just joined a gym and did my first workout in ages.  Just cardio today since I'm so out of shape and I don't want to injure myself, but it was wonderful and I had to force myself to not overdo it on the first day.  I'm really looking forward to this new part of my life!

Depression has loosened it's grip on me for a brief period, and I plan to make the most of it - if I can get into healthier habits while I feel well I may be able to hold on to them when I'm down.  Cleaning, shopping, writing...OMG I have a new story in my head and I can't wait to sit down and start fleshing it out and getting it written down.

Things are looking up, I think.  A few things that I can't control, but I'm not going to worry about them.  Plus it's summer and I have access to a pool and am surrounded by people who care for me - what more do I need?

What To Do?

I've gone too long without a purpose, without a goal - over two months without something to reach for. I don't know what to do next. There is little that I desire, and what I do want is unobtainable. What to do?  Sitting still is not an appealing option. Going back is not constuctive.

For everything I've gained I've lost in equal measure - why can't I just be content in one place? Is there no winning senario?