A year ago

A year ago I was struggling with benzo withdrawal.  I could not see beyond that process. I could not imagine what my life would look like.

Now I'm standing at the end of another year, completely benzo free.  Yes, I still sometimes crave them, but it's not as intense as it once was, and I have hopes that it may fade entirely.  Yes, I still have panic attacks.  I'm still fighting with high levels of anxiety and extremely low self esteem.  I'm only just returning to work after five months of being afraid to go back.  I still have massive problems relating to people, and being honest about my feelings, and trusting my heart with anyone.  My physical health is still a major concern.  But.

I'm a few steps closer to functional than I was a year ago.  That's nothing to sneeze at, I guess.

Ashes

I haven't thrown in the towel, though goodness knows it's been tempting.  It's harder than it seems, keeping everything inside.  A sleepless night; lonely, hurting, crying out in the darkness knowing that there was never anyone there to hear.  Ghosts are all that remain in my life, they follow me everywhere. Ghosts of friends, ghosts of loved ones - there is nothing but ashes.  Is it really all my fault?  Do I have to take the blame for everything?  It's more than one person should have to bear.

Darnit, I felt good yesterday - where did it go?  I was a frazzled mess at work, slept all afternoon, and have been crying all evening.  This is so wrong, but I don't know how to fix it.  Help....

Getting on Track Again

I'd forgotten what a rush working out gives me! I'm so happy - I just joined a gym and did my first workout in ages.  Just cardio today since I'm so out of shape and I don't want to injure myself, but it was wonderful and I had to force myself to not overdo it on the first day.  I'm really looking forward to this new part of my life!

Depression has loosened it's grip on me for a brief period, and I plan to make the most of it - if I can get into healthier habits while I feel well I may be able to hold on to them when I'm down.  Cleaning, shopping, writing...OMG I have a new story in my head and I can't wait to sit down and start fleshing it out and getting it written down.

Things are looking up, I think.  A few things that I can't control, but I'm not going to worry about them.  Plus it's summer and I have access to a pool and am surrounded by people who care for me - what more do I need?

What To Do?

I've gone too long without a purpose, without a goal - over two months without something to reach for. I don't know what to do next. There is little that I desire, and what I do want is unobtainable. What to do?  Sitting still is not an appealing option. Going back is not constuctive.

For everything I've gained I've lost in equal measure - why can't I just be content in one place? Is there no winning senario?

A good piece of news.

Yay my car is paid off!!! /random

Nothing to see here.

Benzo recovery, returning to work, trying to fight depression – pretty much the last month of my life. I don’t really have the energy to write, but I know it’s been a while since I posted and I wanted to put something up. Hopefully I will have something more interesting to say next time around.

One more week and I will be giving away the the giant beanbag. I hate to lose it, but I will gain 25 sq. ft in my living area – very important when you only have a couple of hundred sq. ft to work with. Once I have the space again I plan to return to a floor level lifestyle. The floor pillows can come out, the rug can be moved, and I hope to spend 4-6 hours a day kneeling or sitting on the floor by the end of the month.

I still haven't decorated the apartment.  I want to put up some shelving in the office area and get at least one framed picture for the living room, but money is so tight that extras like that are still on hold.

Next week hopefully I will be able to return to cooking – I haven’t had the energy to manage it for the past two or three weeks and I hate myself for not doing it. Pizza everyday is simply not good for me, and my body is starting to protest. I have beans and some canned and frozen veggies. I need to get fresh fruit and veggies to complement them, and more rice since I go through it so quickly.

Yeah, not much to say. I just don’t want to get too far behind.

Coping - not so much.

I haven't updated in a while.  Life has been too complicated to maintain a blog - I've been more focused on just staying alive.  Even my website is down - I had to cancel the hosting to pay bills.  I'll put it backup when times are better.  Between benzo withdrawal and depression I've been doing pretty much nothing the past few months.  I had hopes that things were getting better, but suddenly I'm plunged back into the depths and nothing seems to be worth the effort anymore.

The basics are hard.  Three days of dishes piled up, and a ton of laundry.  I can't see the end of it somehow, and it seems so pointless to try to clear it, but I know I have to, so the dishes at least are now done.  The apartment is a mess (by my standards - everyone else says it's not, but I can't stand living in clutter so having books out of place and little things not put away drives me crazy.)  There is dust everywhere.  I don't have the energy to cook.  I feel so pinned in that I can't breathe.  I'm not sure how to pull it all together.

I cry for no reason.  That's just not natural for me - I don't cry as a rule.  Everything just seems so hopeless; I can't live up to everyone else's expectations for me.  I'm too tired to try to rebuild my life, and don't even know where to begin.  There is no one I can lean on to help me get started.  Darn it - I wish I could afford therapy.