I haven't updated in a while. Life has been too complicated to maintain a blog - I've been more focused on just staying alive. Even my website is down - I had to cancel the hosting to pay bills. I'll put it backup when times are better. Between benzo withdrawal and depression I've been doing pretty much nothing the past few months. I had hopes that things were getting better, but suddenly I'm plunged back into the depths and nothing seems to be worth the effort anymore.
The basics are hard. Three days of dishes piled up, and a ton of laundry. I can't see the end of it somehow, and it seems so pointless to try to clear it, but I know I have to, so the dishes at least are now done. The apartment is a mess (by my standards - everyone else says it's not, but I can't stand living in clutter so having books out of place and little things not put away drives me crazy.) There is dust everywhere. I don't have the energy to cook. I feel so pinned in that I can't breathe. I'm not sure how to pull it all together.
I cry for no reason. That's just not natural for me - I don't cry as a rule. Everything just seems so hopeless; I can't live up to everyone else's expectations for me. I'm too tired to try to rebuild my life, and don't even know where to begin. There is no one I can lean on to help me get started. Darn it - I wish I could afford therapy.
