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I have a bed!  Well, a sofa bed.  A futon if you want to be picky.  But still.  It's furniture.

Now I have to decide the fate of the beanbed.  It's awesome, I love it, but I don't have anywhere to put it.  Right now it's sitting in the middle of the living room.  Wait, let me correct that statement.  It is sitting in the entirety of the living room.  I have to climb over it to get anywhere.  It's simply too massive to shove against a wall, and I don't have a wall to put it against anyway.  It stores in the closet rather neatly, provided that I never need to get anything out of the closet ever again.

Ah, what to do....

Japanese Romans

I'm having a really hard time wrapping my mind around this for some reason.

To Nano, or not to Nano....

Nanowrimo is almost upon us again, and to be honest I have not done any serious writing in over two years.  I wonder if I should even make an attempt this year?  I have so much on my plate right now, but then again I have tons of time.  Maybe I'll know in a week or so if it's something I want to do.

Words hurt.

Aaron Beck, MD, a psychiatrist and the author of Prisoners of Hate: The Cognitive Basis of Anger, Hostility and Violence, believes that people who are prone to attacking others—whether verbally or physically—regard life as a battle, often as a result of overcontrolling parents or other authority figures. They're continually mobilized to fight because of a pattern of perceiving belligerence in other's behavior, Beck writes. In essence, the antagonist concludes that everyone is seeking to oust or joust her—which is why she jumps for another's jugular before this "enemy" can take her down. 
(taken from Attack-of-the-Killer-Comment)



My life is plagued by such a person.  I won't name names or point fingers, but for months I've been on defense against a person who seems to think that every person is against her, that everything is a battle, that every differing opinion is a reason to attack.  I've watched her do it to others I care about, and I've experienced her caustic words myself more times than I care to remember.  


I don't have any ill feelings against her, but every time she hurts someone I care about I lose more respect for her.  I cannot understand what drives her anger: is it caused by fear, or by harm done to her at some point?  In my darker moments I contemplate that she is simply a sociopath, but I'm pretty sure that isn't the case.  My instincts direct me to avoid her, and I tell myself every time I respond that it is the last time - that I'm not going to waste any more energy on her negativity.  Then she attacks again, and I find myself jumping to defend myself or someone else before I know it.  


I've tried meditation, I've tried prayer.  I've tried to understand her, but I'm not good enough yet - I need more practice, I guess.  I feel like, every time I react to her, I have strayed from my quest to think and act mindfully and with compassion - I simply react without hesitation, then feel ill and stressed after.  It makes me feel like something of a failure.  I want to understand what makes her do this, even if there is nothing I can do to help her.  

Needs Versus Wants

The list of things I need is getting shorter.  I'm learning what I can do without, and what I need, and the list is rather surprising.

A futon (already known; I love my beanbed but it's not very practical.)
A bookshelf (to store my DVDs)
A TV Stand (I've checked goodwill and Salvation Army, but in the end I'm going to have to go to IKEA.)
Loaf pans (not at all known, but I don't know how else to make quick bread or fried polenta)
Covered casserole dishes (1 medium 1 large)
A knife set
Spices (I only have a few at the moment, salt, a seasoning salt, garlic...that's about it.  Not even pepper)
folding chairs (Maybe 2 or so)
PVC pipe (to make an additional pole in the closet)
Sheets (I'm still borrowing the ones from John.)

As far as groceries, I really want to get some buttermilk and sour cream, and some hard grated cheese.  But they are going to have to wait a bit.

Co-op Love

Today was my first pickup from my local food Co-Op.  It is amazing what $28 dollars can get you.

I didn't really know what to expect, so I ordered the basic produce basket plus the extra veggie option.  The regular option contained apples, pears, plums, bananas, pineapple, pomegranates, broccoli, lettuce, and several types of squash, among other things.  The extra option included a selection of peppers, garlic, onions, cilantro, and some tomatillos (which I have no idea how to prepare but I'm looking forward to finding out.)  I'm so overwhelmed - I had not expected nearly this much food.  ^_^

This morning I headed out to the meeting spot at 7:30am, and was welcomed and put right to work.  Checking and sorting produce into baskets, I was amazed at the variety available to us, and it is incredibly satisfying to work and have something to show for it at the end.  Volunteers got to choose from the case ends, so I got extra apples and am looking forward to making a tart in the next day or so (though I don't have cinnamon or allspice, but I'm sure I'll figure something out.)

I'm sure the selection changes every week, and of course you can't rely on getting any one thing, but it is hard to find anything to complain about.  I shared some of my haul with my friends, and I'm looking forward to eating well for the next week.

And so the moving process begins

Now that I have keys in hand and can actually look at my new living space for the next year or more, I'm feeling somewhat nervous.  I haven't lived alone in five years, though I did for the five years before those.

I'm taking pictures as I go; hopefully when I'm less nervous I'll post the before, during, and after pictures of the move.  It really is a small place - 450s.f. is really not a lot, and with my fear of crowding it is going to be a real challenge to keep the space open and airy.  Fortunately it's a totally open floorplan, so I can do whatever I want with it.

Today I went to IKEA and picked up a few items that I didn't already have.  I got two small area rugs (because the apartment is all tile floor and I like to have something soft to walk on,) a gateleg table (it seats 4-6, depending on how cozy you want to get, but folds down to take up only 10" of space when not in use,) and a kitchen cart (because I have almost no counter space at all and really need someplace to work.)  Also a couple of short stools for people who like to sit (I live something of a floor lifestyle, so chairs are really optional for me.)

I haven't finished packing.  I need to run a load of laundry, and get all of my personal items gathered up and packed away.  Also my altar is still out - I don't know how I'm going to pack that.  I'm freaking out a bit, I think, and really there isn't anyone that I want to bother with this stuff.  I really need to find a support group somewhere.

I'm also officially broke for the month, which sucks since I still need to buy groceries and stuff and pay for doctor's visits.  *le sigh*  I don't feel like I can ask my parents - they haven't been very happy about the whole divorce/moving out thing, and my brother has already helped out above and beyond so I can't ask him for more money.  It's weird not having anywhere to turn.  But...I'm sure I will figure something out.  There are food banks, and I can live on rice and beans and canned veggies for a month - it would probably be good for me. ^_^