Still Standing

I'm writing, but I'm not writing fiction.  I'm writing to help me understand who I am and where I came from, to better help me understand where I am going.  So it kind of looks like I've dropped off the planet.  I assure you I haven't.  I'm preparing for the new incarnation of me.  Change, pain, pleasure, direction, desires...everything is being dumped on the floor and evaluated.

So many changes in my life is such a little amount of time, or is it just my imagination?  Does time really move faster as you get closer to the end of the line?

It's a start?

I'm awake before noon!  Actually, I've been awake for several hours now, but it was nearly 11am before I felt well enough to try to walk (I woke around 9, laid in bed and read for an hour, then tried to get up and instead spent 40 minutes or so curled up in a ball on the floor whimpering as my body protested my decision.)

Today...I don't have anything on my schedule for today, thank goodness.  Probably...I will do some cleaning.  Run to the discount store and see if I can buy that floppy hat, then weed the backyard if I can find gloves.

J graciously ran to pick up our food box (don't judge - in times like these it helps a lot) so I'm a bit overwhelmed by the fresh food we have right now, and I want to do some real cooking.

While laying on the floor, I felt that aching hole that comes when I'm not creating something.  Looking for something to plug that hole....

Yes, an emo post. It had to happen eventually.

If I am to live life fully, then I need to do something about my self esteem.

I'm sure that's not the first time I've said that here, and probably won't be the last.

Because I am not the "American Ideal" of a woman in any way, I find it difficult to consider that I could ever be attractive in any way to someone else.  Because of my twisted thinking, I carry so much emotional baggage into relationships that it is almost impossible for them to survive.  I don't want that to happen this time.

I'm not being self pitying, though I've been accused of that sometimes.  I really want to get better.  I want to feel good about myself.  I want to do things that make me happy.  I want to do things to make those I love happy.  But...

I really don't think I can do it on my own.  At least, not at first.  All good intentions go out the window when you don't wake until after noon and surf the web until dark.

I need to get up.  I need to shower, and eat breakfast, take my meds, see the morning sun, but before that I need to get up and that is where I am failing.  I need ritual.  I need structure.  I need for there to be consequence when I don't do what I know I should be doing.

How do I get these things?  Seriously.  I need a drill sargent  or something, at least in the mornings.  Any takers? ^_^