Depression is scary.

Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.

Every time I try to settle myself into my faith, my church does something that makes me question if I'm making the right choice.

I am a Catholic. Born into it and raised in it through childhood. As a young adult I lapsed and studied new age and eastern religions. I spent maybe twelve years as a practicing Wiccan. I believe that, for the most part, differing religions can each have a grasp on the truth. I don't believe there is One True Way that is right for everyone. I just believe that my current path is the right one for me.

Sometime, however, it seems like the Catholic Church is doing what it can to shake my beliefs. This includes things like the Church's views on abortion and on GLBT members. I mean, I agree with the church's stance to a certain point, but somehow it often gets taken to a level that to me goes against a christ-like worldview.

There are two articles in the newspaper right now that have me wondering. One is about a third grader who was denied admission into a catholic school because his parents are lesbian. The other is local, where a "Catholic nun and longtime administrator of St. Joseph's Hospital" was demoted and a critically ill woman excommunicated because she was allowed an abortion to save her life.

Both decisions seem terribly wrong headed to me, but the second one actually filled me with rage against our Bishop Olmert. I understand that life is precious and believe it very strongly, but I fail to see how two deaths would be morally more correct than one. Could any doctor or nurse truly sit by and let her die rather than abort the child? I know that I could not. I also know that, if I were in this situation, my church would rather me die. It's so very hard to understand, and how can I not think of such things when I pray, asking God if that is truly his will, or if his messengers on earth have distorted his will to please themselves.

I am so disturbed and full of anger that I cannot think well of my church right now. It's so very hard.

http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/2010/05/15/20100515phoenix-catholic-nun-abortion.html

http://www.azcentral.com/community/phoenix/articles/2010/05/14/20100514stjoseph0515bishop.html

Lists

I’ve never been the most organized person. I feel most comfortable doing whatever pops into my head, without planning at all. This often leads to some interesting results, but it also means that I tend to avoid unpleasant activites and procrastinate horribly. My procrastination makes unpleasant things even worse, because now they are often overdue or out of date or someone else has already taken care of it because they were tired of waiting for me to get around to it.

I’m starting to make lists. I love making lists. What I don’t love is following them. In fact, I’m writing this right now to avoid doing the things on the list I just made.

Current list (in no real order):

• Clean and fuel car
• Research personalized stationary
• Practice handwriting
• Grocery shopping
• Make five phone calls
• Finish thank you notes
• Finish laundry

Of the things on that list, the phone calls is the task that causes me the most stress. My job requires that I make contact with people, and face to face I'm great. Emails, notes, text messages - no problem. Picking up a phone and calling someone who is not expecting me to call causes me so much anxiety that I sometimes get physically ill. This is not good when you run your own business and have to keep in contact with your customers. That's why I need to make myself do it every day. Up until this point I haven't. It's been on my list for almost four months, and has yet to be checked off on any day.

Today, I will check off everything on my list.

Spring Cleaning

Sometimes you have to step back. look at the tangled mess of weeds that make up your life, and haul out the weedwacker. For me, it seems to be that time.

A good look at my email: every morning I delete 90% of my new mail without opening it. It's become such a habit that I don't even think about it anymore. Today I took the time to open each one and unsubscribe from everything that I don't need (which is pretty much every subscription list I've ended up on.) I don't need news alerts pushed to my email - I read the newspapers online anyway. I don't need weekly specials from my spa - I only go there once every three months or so, and never for anything they have on sale (I don't need a BioMeridian Stress Analysis, thank you.) I don't need every store I shop to send me weekly specials, especially since I'm now on a budget.

Yes, a budget. Don't laugh.

Just because I've never been on one before doesn't mean I can't handle one. It's long overdue. It's also harder than I thought it would be.

The easy part was figuring out what bills I have to pay every month. I don't really have many, compared to most people. I tend to pay cash for everything, so I don't have any loans, and I only have one credit card (which did get run up a bit with wedding purchases, but I can pay it off by the end of the summer.) So...student loans (yes, I've been putting them off,) auto insurance, cell phone, web hosting....that's about it. The harder part is planning how much I am going to spend on living: groceries, gas, entertainment.... Entertainment. DVDs, pop CDs from Japan, travel...I'm not going to be able to do this off the cuff anymore. I'm actually going to have to plan.

I've never had a plan before.

I'm not going to be able to just spend $45 on a first press Gackt CD, or $30 on a new T.M. Revolution single. I'm going to have to save up and have money put aside for these kinds of purchases. Pizza will be a once in a while thing rather than a "meh, I don't feel like cooking" thing. Just thinking that makes me want a slice.

It's time for me to be an adult, but the growing pains are more than I bargained for. Still, I think the benefits will far outweigh the discomfort. Who knows, maybe I'll actually get some satisfaction from ending the month with money in the bank instead of eating ramen and rolling coins for gas money. Stranger things have happened.

Can You Touch It?

The internet, the world online, is a fiction. It is a fiction that seduces me from the possibility of really living. The air I breathe is without oxygen. I can't remember the taste of water. I numb myself with medication, blind myself with the experiences of others.

A home visit. A rehab specialist to fill more pages in a case file with my name but not with me or of me. I don't exist in those pages. The person described in his notes does not exist. The hopeful, ernest woman is a figment, created by me and interpreted by those who come into contact with me.

Who am I? I came here to be an artist. I came here to give birth to something, but instead I am barren of thoughts and ideas. How empty. I want to find something within me to grasp, something to move me forward, someplace to stand so that I can grow.

My head is spinning. Fear fills me again, and I do not know where to seek refuge.

We went to a movie this weekend. I was frightened, not by the images, but because I could not control the volume in the theater. I live in a world where the decibel level is so carefully contained that it cannot shock or hurt me. I've lost the sound of a real world.

I've forgotten the scent of a real flower.

I've forgotten the feel of a knife tearing into my shoulder.

My mind is not where it should be. I need to step out. Where is the window?