Putting On my Big Girl Panties

I've been on disability for over a year now.  During that time I've gotten married, made some new friends, put myself in situations where I was terrified and survived, started a part time at-home business, and done a lot of thinking about how I can stabilize myself.  I'm taking control of my mental and physical health to the best of my ability. 

You see, my goal is to not spend the rest of my life on disability.  Not that there is anything wrong about it, just that I feel inside that somehow I can get myself to a place where I can handle responsibility, and I want to be able to contribute to the world around me in some way.  Also, disability pays the bills, but only just barely, which limits what I can do in my copious free time.

I look back on my history and realize that I have two paths that I can reasonably follow:  administrative support and technical support.  Both have pros and cons:

Administrative Support

• the work is not usually difficult
• my skill set is still relevant and current
• fixed hours, no taking work home with me
• lower per hour compensation
• less variety in tasks
• I tend to take on more work than is reasonable in an attempt to be helpful

Technical Support

• very enjoyable to me
• higher pay rate
• constant ability to expand skill set
• usually shift work/unpredictable schedule
• my skills are out of date and I would need to recertify
• possibility of being called in to cover shifts/work overtime
• possibility of being promoted

You would think that being promoted is a good thing.  More money, more prestige, yada yada yada.  Except...I don't want that.  I've been a supervisor before.  I know what it does to my stress level.  I worry constantly, taking my stress home with me.  My first breakdown was a direct result of me dealing with being a shift supervisor.  I don't blame my managers for this, it's their job to identify people who have the skills to fill higher positions, and I do have the skills.  I'm organized, responsible, work well without supervision, and interact well with customers/management/coworkers.   I'm articulate, I learn quickly, I'm fair, and if it was not for my mental issues I would be wonderful in upper management.

But my mental issues are a large part of who I am, and until I can overcome them I dare not put myself in a place where I am responsible for anything other than my own work.  I will micromanage, I will worry about how things are going on my days off, I will take my personal time to make sure that things are running smoothly. I will drive myself into the ground.  As has been demonstrated.

Right now, I'm just looking around at possibilities.  Maybe there is something else I can do outside of those two options.  Goodness knows I've held some...unusual... jobs in my lifetime.  Maybe I can find something unique, something suited to me.  In the meantime, I'm going to focus on updating my knowledge of computer networking, high speed telecommunications, and typing (really I'm only doing about 45 wpm right now, which is not good.) 

Who knows what the future holds....