Come A Long Way

I haven't posted much recently, mostly because I desided to try my hand at living for a change.  Results have been mixed.

I think I get in my own way.  I want so much to be peaceful and happy, but there is a dark place inside me which makes it difficult for me to accept happiness when it finds me and stops me from seeking it out. 

I'm human.  I make mistakes.  The dark part of me tells me that I don't deserve to be forgiven for them.  I am told this is not a logical assumption.  I want to believe this.  I want to not walk on eggshells all the time, because the stress caused by doing so causes me to break down.

I think maybe I am looking for the wrong things in the wrong places.  In my mind, the most desirable thing to be is a puzzle piece that fits snugly into a slot and becomes part of a whole.  I've looked so hard and long for my hole, the place where I belong, but I think I'm beginning to understand that there is no such place, a hole waiting to be filled.  I have to carve out my own place in this world. 

Before I can do that, I have to identify who I am.  I've tried so hard to make myself into what I think other people want me to be, but that doesn't work, has never worked, because people want other people to be themselves, i think. 

But who am I?  Seven years ago, when I became Myrrh, I had a clear idea in my head of who Myrrh was.  She was a writer and amateur photographer, a free spirited bohemian with nothing to tie her down and a limitless world before her.  Somehow, somewhere I lost her, and I know that I cannot get her back fully.  But, perhaps I can build upon who she was, and create a new Myrrh. 

Somehow, I think this time around it's going to be harder.  This time, I have to build myself on a base of reality, rather than a dream.  I'm going to have to tear apart my negative assumptions, because they are destroying me and my chances for a happy life. 

I know that I cannot do this without help.  I will have to slowly build trust in other people, and hope that they can accept me for who I am.  I think...I know that there are people that will be there for me.  If I haven't already destroyed those options.  I have to hope that I haven't. 

Regardless, I am going forward.  I'm not ready to die yet.  I don't want to give up without making at least one more earnest attempt at life.