Taking Things for Granted

I've forgotten how wonderful it feels to breathe.

Just taking a few breaths mindfully, it makes such a difference. Somehow, over the past couple of years, it has slipped away from me. Meditation - right now I cannot keep my mind still for even a few seconds. I'm woefully out of practice.

How long has it been since I've simply sat still and existed? How long since I've taken a bite of food and actually tasted it? How long since I've taken a walk? It's been years. Years connected to my news feeds, music blogs, web comics. Years of constant email updates, virtual worlds, online games -slash- skinner boxes. Instant gratification.

I carry a netbook with me at all times so that I can check in any time there is wi-fi available. I now have a smartphone which allows me to check in anywhere, period. And I do. I can't go five minutes without updating - is there a new email, a new news article. Has a friend updated their blog? Something amusing on Fark? I have to know.

I have a recliner in my living room. I spend at least eight hours a day sitting in it. I believe I'm forgetting how to sit up straight. My rump is starting to conform to the shape of the cushions. There is a permanent bruise over my right knee where I balance my laptop.

I'm too busy updating to create. I haven't written a bit of fiction in longer than I can remember. Somewhere along the line I've forgotten how to be creative. This thought, more than anything else, frightens me. If I do not create, then what am I? I have all these wonderful tools at my fingertips, but somehow I have let them take control of me rather than I of them. I exist...why? I've lost my purpose as a sentient being. But...there is hope.

Somewhere, outside of the mind altering drugs that keep me, there is still a spark inside of me that is aware. If I nurture it, perhaps I can pull myself back. I can find meaning in life again. Slowly. I need to ask my body what it needs. I need to ask my mind what it needs. I need to ask my soul what it needs. I need to start.

I think, one breath at a time, I can regain my focus. If I slow my breathing, slow my mind, slow the relentless assault of information - perhaps I can regain my sanity.

Breathe in. Breathe out.