More Difficult Than Imagined

I need to pull together every bit of strength I have now, for I am doing something more difficult than I have ever attempted.

For most of my adult life, I have struggled with depression. Doctors have put their faith in chemicals, which had side effects, than gave me more chemicals to counteract those effects. In the end, nothing helped with the depression, and in addition I was left with a physical dependency on benzodiazepine type drugs. Benzodiazepines are ridiculously addictive, and very difficult to ween off of. Going off of them cold turkey can kill you.

At my insistence my doctor has put me on a tapering program to ween me off of the drug. I started just over a week ago, and cannot recall a time when I have felt so bad for so long in my life. Withdrawal pains started within two days, and will not end for at least six months after I take my final dose and possibly as long as twenty-four months after. There is no way to know.

I am tapering faster than I should; I should only be dropping 1mg a week, but because the pharmacy would not fill my new prescription yet I had to use the pills I had on hand, which meant a drop of 2.5mg in my first week. I don't know if that contributed to the pain of this week, but I had no seizures so that is a good thing. Next week I have to do another larger drop; 1.5mg, then after that I should be able to taper at 1mg a week as was planned.

I'm terribly afraid. I have signed up for an online support group, but do not have a strong support system in my real life. Overcoming a dependency, which really is just a prettier name for a drug addiction, is one of the hardest things a person can do, and I'm doing it alone. In times like this I can only turn to God for strength, and who can know if he will help me.